I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
