In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
