Your dad touched me again.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
