I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
