Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
