I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
