I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
