they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
