I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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