Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
