He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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