Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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