woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
