he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
