I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You have to summon your inner elephant
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
