Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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