some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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