I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
