why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
