i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize