JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Pants are for mortals
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
