she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize