I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
