hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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