Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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