If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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