Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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