i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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