Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
