Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize