is your mom at the bar?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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