I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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