Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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