i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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