the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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