hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
