hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Found the puke drawer
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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