i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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