i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
