Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
so much tequila, so little girl.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
