you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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