I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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