What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
