I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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