why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
