I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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