How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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