If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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