Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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