So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
