I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
