i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
two words...techno handjob
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
