I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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