i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
