If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
